December 31, 2009


2009 has been kind of a big year for me.

Well, I guess I could say that about every year of my life, honestly. Each year, things happen that I am never expecting to happen, good and, well, kinda sucky things.

Like the year I turned 15: a nest of baby spiders were hatched on (and in!) my ankle. (Hmm. I may need to expand on that story. Another time, another post.)

Or perhaps the year I turned 21: I got my first kiss with a great guy named Jared. (He had pierced nipples and a mustard yellow colored suit. I guess that could count as a good thing as well as a sucky thing. You be the judge.)

Or maybe 2008 when (Okay, I know you're still thinking about those pierced nipples, perhaps in disbelief. Again, another time, another post, okay?) Ahhem. Yes, in 2008, my brother got married and I gained a wonderful big sister. ("Not loosing a broder, gainging a skeester." That's what I wrote in their guestbook the night of the wedding. Hey! Don't blame me! Helloooo! Open bar!!!)

And OH! 2005! I was 22. I was ready to forget about Mr. Pierced Nipples. Enter Mark. Can't believe it's been four years since that night in Auburn. That is definitely a good thing.

I would definitely say that 1993 & 1994 were great years because they brought me my favorite Alex & Molly in this whole, wide world. I never thought I would be a big sister to anyone (and was honestly a bit resentful knowing that I would not be the baby anymore) but I wouldn't trade those two for a mansion full of gold I could swim in, like Scrooge McDuck. (But how!? HOW?!? Did he swim through gold?!? Something that has perplexed me for about 20 years now. And Launchpad McQuack? One day, I will have a pet duck and name him this.)

2001 brought me a high school diploma, my first car, my first taste of real freedom, and a love of the open road (by open road I mean Highway 280: the road to Auburn, my best friend, and cute college frat boys.)

2004 brought me my first (absolutely fun, with an aftertaste of vomit) drunk experience in which I ended up, butt naked, in a tub with only about a quarter inch of water in it, blacked out.

2007 brought me my first diamonds (from Mark!) and a brief, yet extremely sucky, break up (from Mark!) and the demise of my college career: finance 101 (this one I lathered, rinsed, and repeated in 2008. You guessed it. Finance was equally sucky in 2008.)

No matter how sucky or how fantastic my years have been, they seem to be flying by at breakneck speed (in a plane piloted by Launchpad McQuack) and I can't figure out how to slow them down.

This year brought me a college diploma, a big girl job with a big girl salary (in the world of finance, imagine that!), lots of other really super not fun sucky responsibilities, a new found love of wine, the ability to bake fresh, delicious bread, a blog!, a set of new tires, 15 pounds (suck, suck, sucky to the max!) a few really endearing times with my best friends, a few new spiritual applications my forgiving, graceful heavenly father decided to impart to me, and excitement of what 2010 will bring me (parachuted from the plane driven by Launchpad McQuack)!

Happy New Year everyone!

December 30, 2009

Idiot fool

Dear man driving the convertible with the top down,

It's January. It's a teeth-chatter inducing 37 degrees outside.
You're an idiot.

All the best,

December 11, 2009

He will get a cheeseburger

So it's been a year and 3 days since my first blog entry on December 8, 2008. And that one wasn't really my own creativity, it was one of those snarky lists that you're supposed to repost with your answers on it and then forward it to 800 of your closest friends or else Jesus will condemn you and you won't have any luck for 17 years.

Needless to say, I feel like over the past year, I've come a long way and really shaped my writing voice into what I think will make my readers laugh (and me; because I'm pretty narcissistic and laugh, rather heartily, at my own jokes).

Speaking of readers, I really was under the impression that the only people who read my blog were the seven listed followers. But not so! I'm proud to report that I get comments via text, facebook, face to face, phone, etc. from people who say, "I just read your blog! It's hilarious!" And these people are random, I mean random people! Like Mark's boss and his wife, an old coworker of mine, one of my current coworker's wives. (That doesn't sound right. He doesn't have multiple wives. Crap. You get what I'm trying to say, though, right?) But the list goes on! It's beginning to give me (okay, that's really bothering me. Should it read, 'one of my coworker's wife'? That just doesn't sound right. Geez. Maybe I need to go back to English 101.) ANYWAY! All this praise is starting to give me a big head. It's like, 'how can I shape this story or this situation into being a good blog post that will impress my readers?' I'm serious, every person I come in contact with now is a potential character in The PeyPey Chronicles. (So watch out, you may be next!)

So I've written about my diet escapades, my really crazy family (which, trust me, I've only touched on the tip of the iceberg with that one, so stay tuned), my insane job (which I will probably end up getting fired from because of these blog posts). I have noticed, though, that recently I have been writing a lot about the people I come in contact with (strangers, thank GOD!), who, quite honestly, I do believe are not of this world and who have not one single ounce of commen sense. I seem to be a crazy people magnet. I will continue recounting these hilarious run-ins (and yes, sometimes with sarcastic embellishments) for you, as I know you will enjoy reading them.

And speaking of crazy...

Today's top headline from my hometown newspaper:

Condemned 'Stocking Strangler' Carlton Gary declines special last meal, will get a cheeseburger

Gonna be honest, in terms of a last meal, a cheeseburger wouldn't be a bad way to go. What would your last meal choice be?

All the best,

December 9, 2009

Robert Van Winkle, yes that's correct, Vanilla Ice, makes an appearance on my lunch break today

So I'm sitting in my car on Front Avenue, reading and eating my turkey sandwich on my lunchbreak; when what my wandering ears did hear? "A1A Beachfront Avenue! Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis..." That's right. A young guy in an extended cab Chevy truck with Browning stickers, a toolbox, and a Dixie flag bumper sticker was rolling my way at about 5 mph, blasting on his terrible sounding speakers, Ice Ice Baby. No joke. I watched him in my rear view window. The entire way down the street, his speed couldn't have been over 5 mph. Did he think he was cruising the strip in PCB or something? Who knows.

December 8, 2009

Just to give you a visual...

Yesterday was the judging for our departmental Christmas decorating contest. We don't know the results yet. But apparently, Billy Bob was in the Christmas spirit because he decided to take pictures of the whole shabang and post them in our shared folder. So, behold, the Winter Wonderland I've been working in for the last few weeks:

This is the display inside what I guess you'd call the foyer. Total stuffed animal/stuffed animal with clothes on/stuffed doll count so far: 5.

This is inside the door at the front desk. There are icecicles hanging from the ceiling. And, not pictured? A basket full of beannie babies. So I'm rounding here, but that brings the count up to about 15.

Again, this is inside the foyer. That's a real mantel, yes, brought in on loan from Reaves Wrecking. Does that fiber optic angel look familiar? Also, not pictured: 3 stuffed reindeer. So including the light up Santa and Mrs. Claus, that brings our count up to 20.

I applaud the fact that there is real wood in the fireplace. However, please notice the mini couch with the bear asleep on it. Priceless. Also, the plate of cookies and milk, the bowl of pinecones, and the kneeling, praying bear. (Yeah, you didn't believe me a few days ago when I said it looks like the Dollar Tree threw up in here, did you?) So, we already counted the Santa and Mrs. Clause, but add in the two bears and that scary looking doll sitting in the chair, that makes 23.

Another view of the foyer. We've already counted all this crap, but from this angle, you can get a better look at yet another scary looking doll sitting in a chair.

This is in the hall heading towards my office. Ok, remember when I said the entryway was my contribution? I'm talking about the pretty wreath, garland, and two small, potted trees. That's it. And I will take credit for this part because it is pretty. Thank you very much. Ok, does that light up snowman get included in our count? I think YES. 24.

A 1/3 built snowman. (I will give the ladies who came up with this idea props: they used an exercise ball and covered it in fake snow. Pretty creative, yes.) Ok, add that other snowman, and we have 25.

Ohh...where do I begin? I think you know the answer: the clothed, stuffed reindeer with a snowball in her hand. 26 + the fake squirrel eating the pinecones (that furry, tan blob next to the reindeer on the right) equals 27.

Did you think we could set all of this up and NOT have a light up Winnie the Santa Pooh? You thought wrong.

So if my calculations are correct, that's 27 stuffed animasl/stuffed animals with clothes on/stuffed dolls, about 12 trees, and one really tacky winter wonderland scene.

December 4, 2009

Gladys Kravitz: PeyPey Style

I don't exactly live in the best neighborhood in town. I blame this fact on the reason I've become somewhat of a Gladys Kravitz. Because, let's face it, watching BMW's and minivans and moms with strollers walking up the street doesn't exacly catch anyone's attention. (The 30 bags of garbage sitting on my neighbors lawn? Yes. What could possibly be in all those bags?)

So as I'm sitting here in my Sudafed induced coma, (or is it a morning talk show induced coma? I'm not quite sure. My deciphering skills went out the window along with good health, I think) I hear a bit of beat-boxing just as an all white, Fubu tracksuit clad black guy caught my eye, walking down our street, flailing his arms to the beat he was creating with his mouth.

So, naturally I stare. I pull down a little sliver in the blinds. He is totally in his own little world. (My mind immediately turns to the thought, 'Ahh, now I see exactly where my hard earned tax dollars are going: straight to your designer-track-suit-wearing-doesn't-have-a-job-collecting-welfare-check-and-fathering-multiple-children-so-you-can-just-collect-MORE-welfare-checks ASS.) I stare some more. Then suddenly, our eyes meet. (I thought I was being so discreet!) All flailing and beat boxing stops. A serious look clouds his eyes. I immediately let the blinds go and they snap back into place. I go to another corner of the house and inch the blinds down a tad. Ok. Whew! Coast clear. He's walking up the hill again. For a few seconds, no flailing, just seriously walking. Then, at the top of the hill, the arms start to flail again and I can hear the faint sounds of "boom boom snick boom boom snick boom". Back to normal.

I must perfect my Gladys Kravitz ways. (And possibly take Mark up on the offer to buy me that pink marble handled pistol.)

December 3, 2009

January through Now

I am out sick from work today. Thus, PICTURES! I figured I'd walk you all through the last year in pictures:

I will never wash this jacket ever again!

Me, my little sis, Molly, and my little brother, Alex, began 2009 in Nashville visiting my brother and his wife, Brad & Sally. And yes, this is the Jonas Brothers. We saw them while getting breakfast at The Pancake Pantry!

Whatcha gonna do when the abominable hunter comes for you?

And then in March, it snowed!!! Snow in Georgia shuts EVERYTHING down. Pictured here, the abominable Mark, about to peg me.

I am college grad, hear me ROAR!

Ok, technically this was in December of 2008 but I had to go back in the Spring to take that one other class. But what does it matter? BECAUSE I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE NOW!!!!!

A sunglass oreo

G-Day in Athens, Spring 2009. Brad & Sally moved to Athens in February so we went up to visit them. Pictured here, me, Molly, and Sally.

If the dead grass to the left of the cement blocks is any indication of my green thumb...

But alas! We have growth! Maters!

"This blue car looks like a pond. It even comes with algae!"

I started taking pictures for fun in late Spring. I captured this dragonfly one afternoon on my car antenna. Think I may submit it for a photo contest!

Cheap ass pedicure

Summer - Beach trip with my best friend of 20 years, Jeannie. Seaside, Florida.

Wait, who is the sofa king?

Dallas trip, late Summer with Mark. Best photo from the trip!

Just do it.

First raw oyster experience in Dallas.

Hi ho silver! Or, we put our money in, why is this thing not moving?

Crazy boys, Jake and Mark, in the stockyards. Dallas.

T Boone Pickens got nothin' on us.

Lauren & me at the Georgia-Oklahoma game in Oklahoma. Summer. (I promise I am an Auburn fan.)

What's all this white stuff on my hands? Oh no, my exzema's acting up again.

Probably the best idea I've had to date: this Fall, I started a bread making group with a bunch of random ladies where we meet once a month, drink lots of wine, and bake fresh breads. We decided recently to name our group "Drink and Bake". That's me and Chandler baking away!

Glory, glory to ole Auburn!

Finally. WEAGLE WEAGLE! WAR DAMN EAGLE! Auburn homecoming game, November.

The right side o' your head is ridikulus!

Alex's (little bro) first college football game.

The cheerleader pose never goes out of style

All the girls together for Joanna's wedding! From top left: Lori, Jeannie, Joanna, Kristin, Catherine, Cassie, me, Barbara, and Carianna!


In Athens for the Georgia-Auburn game. Our game day predictions. Brad won.

Mah mommeh sayz if i putz on da shirtz, i can haz a treat. Deal mommeh.

Jackson in his gameday shirt rooting for the Dawgs.

Peekaboo! I like to ruin pictures with my wierd faces!

We're still in November. This was after church one day. This? This picture perfectly describes Mark and I.

Why is that girl wearing a bonnet? Is her name Halfpint?

Annual girls Atlanta trip. From top left: Lori, caroler guy, Catherine, caroler girl, Joanna, Jeannie, me, Barbara, and Kristin. I love these girls. No one could ever replace them in my life.

Don't you wish your girlfriend could bake like me?

Me, doing what I do best: drinkin' and bakin'. Making Pumpkin Pecan bread for Thanksgiving.

See above.

Okay, how cute are these mini loaves and pumpkin pecan muffins iced with cream cheese icing?

Quit taking pictures and roast my dang turkey.

Thanksgiving in Athens with the fam. Brad and Sally.

That's how I roll.

My Thanksgiving artwork. :)

It's 5 a.m. and I'm shopping. I deserve a prize.

Black Friday shopping with mah seesters. Hey, it was 5:00 a.m.

And finally...

Pimps gotta get dey black friday dealz on too, ho. Dontchu be hatin!

This. Sally and Brad have been married a little over a year now, and obviously, she's fitting right in.

So that's my 2009 in pictures!

The birds and the bees who dwell in the Black Forest

I learned about the birds and the bees in 7th grade from one of my family's many foreign exchange students named Juliette Rabovski from Germany whose first time was on a bed of no, not roses, but crunchy leaves, bugs, and sticks deep in the woods of the Black Forest. Dang hippie German girl. She didn't shave her pits either. I was 12, she was 17, and, looking back, she was a little too eager to tell me about her woodsy sexcapades. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were sitting on the front porch, swinging. She was glamorously smoking a cig (funny, my dad smokes and it never seems glamorous when he does it) and teaching me Cranberries songs on the guitar. (Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to?) Then she busted out with the question: "Peyton, have you had sex?" Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some "No you idiot, I'm twelve" in it. But of course I didn't answer like that. I was too enamored by her glamorous cig smoking, Zombie singing ways to answer sensibly. Before I could babble out anything that sounded glamorous enough to fall on her ears, she started in. "I have. I have a boyfriend back home. We do it all the time out in the woods." Again, gross now, glamorous then. I'll save you the "glamorous" detes, but I will say this: it was probably much more detail than a 12 year old girl should hear.

I woke up thinking about Juliette from Germany this morning and that particular story. Then it made me start thinking about all of the other very peculiar students we hosted over the years. I truly do believe that my life is much richer because of these people and the experiences I had with them. Honest to goodness, that includes the experience of hearing about the birds and the bees from Juliette from Germany. Thank God she beat my parents to it because, holy crap, that would make for one extremely awkward convo. I should write Juliette from Germany a thank you note, should I not?

Juliette from Germany came to us through the foreign exchange program that my mom participated in. As far back as I can remember and up until I was 16, my family hosted foreign exchange students each year. There was Jennifer from Edinburgh, Scotland (she was crazy, like certifiably insane) and Christine from London, England (who came back on her accord about 5 years after we'd hosted her for a visit; loved her; she played dress up with me). Then there was Take (pronounced Tock-Ay) from Japan who almost burned our house down from wok cooking. Then Lynn Won Yong from Beijing, China (probably the tallest human being I have ever seen in my life). Then Mickey from Japan who I have NO remembrance of. Next came Simon from Macau, China. After Simon there was one other Asian guy who I can't remember his name. Then Juliette from Germany. And finally, Alvaro Jimenez from Huelva, Spain who blew all the others out of the water. He was awesome (and hot. I so had a mean crush on him.)

My mom hated Juliette from Germany, though, and after only of few months, sent her off to stay with another family out of town. That was okay by me. I got my bed back and could now impress people with my Zombie and Linger playing guitar skillz.

December 2, 2009

Love, Verlinda

This is the signature at the bottom of the mailroom supervisor's emails.

See? I told you it was an endless buffett of retarded here.

P.S. - Who names their kid Verlinda?

December 1, 2009

Testing the Waters

IM conversation between Mark and I tonight:

Peyton: just saw dwight advertising the nba on a commercial. hilarious.

Mark: yeah i saw taht

Peyton: dont feel good

Mark: oh i'm sorry

Peyton: would you come take care of me?

Mark: ya

Peyton: like pull the green goopy gop out of my nose?

Mark: ohhhh wooowww

Peyton: but would you?

Mark: no

Peyton: I would do it for you

Mark: oh well

Peyton: really?

Mark: yes really, that is sick

Peyton: what about if i have your baby?

Mark: no

Peyton: that's a pretty gross process

Mark: lol im out for a few

Peyton: no, not pull the goopy gop out of my nose while i'm having your baby, but actually the birth process

Mark: bye

Peyton: no!!!! you come back here mister!

Mark: bye

Peyton: no, i would like to continue this discussion. what if i break a bone? or get cancer? or have to get my pancreas removed?

Mark: what are you asking? I will take care of you but i am not digging boogers out

Peyton: ok, just making sure

On Billy Bob

Billy Bob just talked to himself for an entire hour.

Boiling Mad, Raging Lunatic, About to Slit Someone's Throat...Get Ready, I'm Sounding Off

I am apparently on the traffic engineer's bad side again. The plate of fresh baked cookies I took him last week didn't do too much in the way of paving my way to work each morning with sparkly green lights.

In related news, how freaking hard would it be to warn the traffic on the corner of Veterans and 9th Street that a train is coming, head on, into that intersection? I take a right there every morning, and every morning, I come within an inch of my life. Only when I see the massive locomotive heading straight for me do I realize what my fate could potentially be. No clang clang clangs? No red-stripey gates? Nope. Nothing. If my cup of coffee hasn't woken me up yet, I can count on the near death train collide experience to do the trick.