July 21, 2010

Incessant Ramblings

No, not incest ramblings. Who do you think I am, anyway? If you're here for that, sorry, you can leave. And please let the door hit you on your way out.

Ahhhem. Let's begin by talking about the weather, shall we?

It's hot here. Like 104 degrees Fahrenheit hot. Like what's the point in taking a shower because the minute I step outside, I'll be drenched in sweat hot. Like my toenails are sweating hot. Like my ear canals are sweating hot. Yeah. That hot. Please, my lovely Canadian readers (I know you're out there. I Google analyticked you. And yes, I'm quite aware that analyticked isn't a word. I made it up. You should try making up words. It's fun. Billy Bob does it all the time. Have I ever told you the story of "Optober"? I haven't? Ohhh, you're in for a treat someday. Back to the regularly scheduled programming...) can I come visit you? Somewhere nice and cool? Somewhere that doesn't feel like I'm sinking into the devil's belly button? Literally? Thanks. See you soon.

Now I'd like to talk about barbeque. May I take you on a tour of my hometown barbeque restaurants? If it's alright by you, I'll just name them and tell you how many locations they have. Cool? And look, I know you don't care one flippin' flip about barbeque restaurants in my hometown. I know you don't. But I need you to know this, okay? My mind won't settle down until you know. (Please keep in mind that I live in a city of about 200,000 folks. 200,000 BBQ eating folks.) I've added notes about the ones I've tried.

1. 13th Street BBQ (3 locations) MY FAVE!
2. Boss Hog's BBQ (1 location)
3. Brennan Road BBQ (1 location)
4. Chester’s BBQ (2 locations) Possibly in the most ghetto part of town. There is also a Chester's Grocery Store attached in which, my guess is, they sell all things BBQ related.
5. Chicken Comer’s BBQ (1 location) I've had their chicken fingers but not their BBQ.
6. Clearview BBQ (1 location)
7. Country’s BBQ (4 locations) Good home cooking but BBQ sucks.
8. Ed’s BBQ (1 location) I've only ever had their rutabagas. And no, I'm not kidding. 
9. Fat Freddie’s BBQ (1 location) Ahhhh...so many childhood memories from this place. My dad would take me and my older brother there once a week. I always got a bacon biscuit. Thanks, dad. No really, thanks. I have you to thank for these ham-hocks that call themselves my thighs.
10. Hamilton Road BBQ (1 location)
11. Hog Rock BBQ (1 location)
12. Legends BBQ (1 location)
13. Macon Road BBQ (1 location) It's right next to TJMaxx, so although I pass by there way too often, I've only eaten there a handful of times. And it was just okay.
14. Mike & Ed’s BBQ (4 locations) Best smoked ham and turkey in town!
15. Pepper’s BBQ (1 location) I would take a bath in their sauces if I didn't have to clean the tub afterwards.
16. Rib Shack (1 location) This place is literally a shack. Plywood walls and floors and nothing more. And it's a front for the more popular nightclub that's attached, the Shanty Shack. Want to see some rednecks? Maybe a rebel flag or eight hundred? Then go there.
17. Smokey Pig (2 locations) Sweet tea heaven.
18. Thornton’s BBQ (4 locations) Cool story: Anyone watch The Neely's on Food Network TV? They're cousins with the people who own this place!

So if I take 5 and add it to 7 and then multiply it by the day of the week and divide it by how many clean pairs of panties I have left before I have to do laundry again and then take the square root of it all and subtract 1, my calculation works out to be 31. Someone check my math please. Thirty-one. That's an awful lot of choices, isn't it? One that didn't make it on the list because it's just outside the city limits but that deserves an honorable mention is this one: MEAT'S BBQ. I'd like to meet Meat. And taste Meat's meat. Ok, I'm done. And my need for you to know the above is reconciled. Thank you for allowing me to do that.

We'll talk about the Mexican restaurants another time.

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