January 13, 2010

Regarding Bubblebaths and All Things Girly (I.E. - Guys, as I'm sure you would appreciate this snarky glimpse into a woman's beauty rituals, this post might downright bore the heck out of you)

I have a morning beauty routine that would make Sonia Kashuk cringe, Bobbi Brown cry, and Paul Mitchell drop his hot, buttered toast and run as fast as he could to the safe haven of a nearby salon. You would think that having a routine that takes all of 25 minutes tops to perform would cut down on the amount of beauty products I have stored in one of the seventeen following places: the shower, the medicine cabinet, every shelf of the linen closet (I now store my towels in my dresser drawers), the general floor area of my bedroom, my nightstand, the top two drawers of my dresser, any given square inch on top of my dresser, the three drawer tupperware system sitting next to my dresser, under my bed, in my closet, on top of my OTHER dresser, in my gym bag, in my purse, in the trunk of my car, in my glove compartment, on top of my desk at work, and in two of my desk drawers at work. You thought wrong. I have spent an amount so outrageous on beauty products that if I added it all up, I am pretty sure I could fund my own retirement. Like, right now, at the age of 26.

I don't know why women do this. Take this little quiz I came up with and let me know how you fare.
True or False:
1. You get tired of the shampoo you're currently using before you even use half the bottle.
2. You have been invited to stockholders meetings for BonneBell.
3. You have a day cream, night cream, eye cream, wrinkle cream, day cream with SPF, lip cream, night cream with retinol, day cream with vitamin C, and an eye cream/wrinkle cream duo sitting in your medicine cabinet.
4. You own 5 tubes of the same shade of lipstick because you keep losing the tubes in the depths of you car. You clean your car and find said tubes. Tubes are no longer rolling back and forth under your car seat playing Red Rover, Red Rover with the crusty french fries and ball point pens. Tubes are returned to their cozy home in your cosmetic bag dedicated solely to lip coverings.
5. You never, ever, have NEVER finished an entire tube of lipstick. Or bottle of foundation. Or compact of powder. Or mascara wand. Or stick of deoderant (just me? Yeah, I can't figure that one out either.)
6. You have spent more than 10 minutes on the shampoo aisle of Wal-Mart.
7. When you go on an out-of-town trip, you have an entire piece of luggage dedicated solely to all things beauty related, while your significant other shows up with one bottle that does it all and a toothbrush.
8. You have a little sister who lives for the days when you clean out your ever expanding collection to pass on to her. (After which, you immediately run to your drugstore of choice to restock.)
9. You have about 8 full collections (shower gel, lotion, body splash, and eau de toilette) of different fragrances from Bath & Body Works because you use a different one depending on the 1. season of the year, 2. mood you're in, and 3. where you're going.
10. Despite your ever expanding covey of hand lotions, your digits stay cracked and your cuticles stay dry.

My score? EPIC FAIL.

Although my quest to smell good, look decent, and have moisterized skin has taken its toll on my bank account and available storage space, I do have a few tried and true products that I would like to share with you in hopes that you will test out in order to validate (a word my boyfriend hates) me.

First off, us girls know the importance of makeup (well, most of us do. There are still those who have yet to figure out that there are products out there that can smooth out that skin tone of yours, brighten your eyes, and give you a perfect pucker. Come visit my den of glamour. I won't let you leave empty-handed.) Particularly, we know the importance of color on our lips. One of my friends moms always said, "Now girls, never leave home without a fresh pair of panties and lipstick on your lips." Good advice. I know we've all been to Wally World wearing no makeup and in our sweatiest sweats. It never fails that we run into someone we know! Am I right or am I right or am I right? Right?

Dang. That took a long time to get here: My pick for lip covering? Revlon Colorstay Mineral Lipglaze. My color? Stay Ablaze. This junk is GOOOOOD. It goes on so smooth. It has staying power. It's not sticky. It's not shiny like if-the-sun-hits-my-lips-at-the-right-angle-I-could-blind-you-shiny, but it does have a subtle sheen. Trust me, it will blow all of the other 8,000 lipglosses, lipsticks, chapsticks, lipstains you've ever tried, out of the water. It retails for around $9 and is totally worth it!

Next up, we all know the effects a good bubble bath has on our general pleasantness at the end of long day, don't we? (And I'm sure our significant others do too.) My top pick for the bubbliest bubbles, the calmingest scent, and the refreshingest refresh? C. Booth's Lavender Bubble Bath. It retails for $6 which is cheaper than Bath & Body Works and frankly, is a far superior product than anything I've ever bought off their shelves. Try it. Your general happiness will thank you. The bottle looks like this but the liquid inside will be pastel purple:

Batting third is Dove Pink Beauty Bar. The smell, the feel, the COLOR? Everything is perfect about this soap. I've been using it since I was about 15 and have never used a bar soap that left me as clean feeling and fresh smelling as this one does. And Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty? What could be more perfect than chubby girls in their underwear on TV? This makes me happy! And it'll only set you back about $3 for a two pack.

Next up is Johnson's Softcream Melt Away The Stress Lotion. I keep this on my desk when I'm feeling stressed out at work. It's perfectly moisterizing without being sticky. Only, here's the thing: when I apply it to my hands, I close my eyes, breathe in deeply, and think of sitting on the beach with a margarita in my hand. You must do this too. It makes it better, I promise. And look! Here's a coupon!

Hair, you ask? Ah yes, this coif on top of my head that I spend about 8 minutes total on each day. (That's 2.027 entire days per year that I spend on my hair alone. Which seems like a lot. I can't imagine spending like 20 minutes a day. 30 minutes a day! Plug in my hairdryer and drop it in my bubble bath NOW! I would die! By the way, spending 30 minutes on your hair each day is equal to spending almost EIGHT ENTIRE 24-HOUR DAYS PER YEAR JUST ON YOUR HAIR. Holy crap.) That's why I like Pantene Volume Touchable Hairspray Flexible Hold Aerosol. It holds my hair in place no matter what the weather is like, it keeps my hair bouncalicious, and it doesn't leave a sticky residue. (Is it just me or is there a running theme here with stickiness? Hey beauty product manufacturers! I'd like to leave sticky with things like lollipops, glue, and honey, NOT in residue form anywhere on my body. Thankyouverymuch.) You'll pay about $4 for this.

On my nails, you will always (okay not always, and sometimes that always includes cracked and peeling) find Maybelline Express Finish 50 Second Nail Color in any of their wonderful-don't-make-me-wait-till-this-stuff-dries-because-I-am-too-impatient-OOOOOhhhhhh-my-leg-is-itching-must-scratch-but-what-about-my-wet-nails? colors, but my fave is Speedy Hot Tamale. Try it. You will never go back to paying $9 for that OPI crap! For that price, buy THREE!!!! bottles of this:

And finally people? Oral health? One word: Mouthwash. Use it. Any kind, any flavor. Your mouth (and me) will thank you.

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