November 23, 2009

Seriously, What Were You Thinking?

So today we are deleting all of the businesses that have closed this year from our system. A tedious task for sure. No, I'm straight up, click, click, enter business license number, click, click, clickety click clack, DELETE.

In my attempts to introduce you to my unapologetically mundane, yet subtly hilarious work world, I give you this. It's a list of some of the ACTUAL BUSINESS NAMES I have deleted today. Please keep in mind I have not changed any of these names and they are spelled exactly as they show up on the business license. Yeah, keep that in mind.

~Suzy's Watermelons. Now Suzy may in fact sell watermelons. But I'd like to think she doesn't. No, Suzy's Watermelons is totally a lingerie boutique for big girls.

~Pumkindoodles. No, I didn't forget the other P in "Pumkin". They really did spell it like that. And what the hell kind of name is Pumkindoodles anyway? It conjures up images of the most ridiculous country-bumpkin-knick-knack-trash. You know, like heart shaped handmade woven baskets with little wooden hearts glued all over it? Or a wooden coat rack with ducks wearing bows carved on it? "Oh cute! Where'd you get that heart shaped tater and onion basket with the ducks on it?" "Oh this? I got this at Pumkindoodles! You should go! They're having a sale!" Sorry, Pumkindoodles is closed.

~Jake & Luke's Mow-Time. Yes, as you may have guessed, it's a lawn service. Cute. I like the play on words. I wonder if they offer the "Aretha" plan: grass & hedges. Or perhaps the "Marvin" plan: grass, hedges, limbs. Or maybe the deluxe "Smokey/Stevie" combo: grass, hedges, limbs, and flowerbeds. And to their faithful customers they offer the "Temptations" discount: 3 services for the price of 2!

~Don Lawn's Service. Hmmmmm. This one kinda stumped me. There are two possibilities: either some guy named Don Lawn owns some kind of "servicing" business; or maybe Don is a retard and put this on his business license lawn service application. Yeah, makes you wonder why it's on my delete list, doesn't it? Idiots opening businesses.

~The Scholary Approach Exam Prep and Tutoring. Read that carefully. Wow.

~SUTHRN KUMFRT BBQ. This is why people make fun of southerners.

And finally, my absolute favorite:
~I Own A Lawn Service On The Side. Yeahhh. That's the actual name of the business. I. I can't. Mmmm. Yeah.

In related news, Larry (remember my whistling coworker?) is whistling "Push It" by Salt-N-Peppa today.

Much more material like this and I think I may have a book deal on my hands.

So we were finishing up our year end clean up of closed businesses today and I came across another gem: "Clutters Last Stand". It was a cleaning service. This may be my new favorite one on this list (well, it's a tie between "I Own A Lawn Service On The Side"). I really appreciate the business owner's creativity in naming her cleaning service after a famous battle. I can't stop laughing about it!

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